Breaking Free of the Routine Route

    When crisscrossing across the United States, the excitement of a new road ahead and where it will lead is mixed with the fear of "am I really going the right way to reach my intended destination?" I have no idea what part of town I am headed into. I navigate with caution.It's when I have returned to the same grocery store, Chick fil a, or library several times that I feel at ease. When I no longer turn on the GPS then I feel like we have "settled in" at a new location. 

     However, there are some places, like returning to my hometown, when it all comes back naturally.  Like riding a bike, I get in the car and I know how to get where I need to go. Some of the roads that I go down are paved with good and bad memories that influenced me along the way. Those memories and feelings also come and go naturally without me even considering the thought. The familiarity reduces caution and hyperawareness of my surroundings. I am comfortable, secure in my knowledge, and my guard comes down. As I drive without thinking, the road can lead me into complacency. 

      I caught a brief moment of a movie before going to bed. " That is just an old habit"  was quoted by a main character. This statement bellowed out to me, while in the middle of giving myself a huge 'talking to" for failing miserably in a grand opportunity to apply all that was becoming a part of me. Old thoughts, old beliefs, and old habits swirled around me. The old way of doing life is not easily removed. Sometimes it feels like it is so deeply embedded that removal is an impossible feat. It can come as natural as breathing. It gets even more confusing when what is hindering my soul and the growth of my personal relationships has also been pieces of me that were once praised for"'strength and boldness."  

      My Dad told a story once of my Grandpa accidentally putting a toothpick in his mouth and lighting it. Merely from the habit of the motion. He was not desiring a cigarette. It was just a motion he was accustomed to. Even when chaos and crisis are not occurring, I can feel like I am in danger, and react out of habit. Although it is not my desire, and I make a conscious efforts beforehand, when I am caught off guard, it all comes naturally. I am a survivor. Survival instincts kick in with no warning. Coping mechanisms that once had a purpose, no longer are necessary.  This habit is not my authentic self. It is only an old habit. And it is not God's will for me to stay this way. It is not anyone's will to be in my line of fire when I behave this way. 

     I am carrying chaos within myself. No matter how much I try to reach a recovery goal or put my life in order, I still have moments of  functioning as though I am in chaos (regardless of my current situation.) It paralyzes me, old habits emerge, old reactions spew, all a futile grasp to control the outside, while the inside is churning. I am ashamed. I am overwhelmed. The task seems too much. But I have to slow down. I must believe that I can be restored. I must turn my will over.

 Behavior is defined as the way in which I respond to a particular situation. My behaviors and habits are developed by reacting to my environment safe or unsafe. The way I behave is not who I am. In fact, some of my behaviors go against the very nature of who I am. Coping mechanisms have served a purpose in the past, especially in emergency, threatening situations. However, when they are no longer needed, healing must take place. In order for behaviors to change, beliefs must change. Feeling are not facts. Feelings are meant to be felt, talked through or about, possibly grieved, and then held out for the truth to be spoken into. My feelings matter, but when I start to view them through a lense of facts, I make decisions based on false facts, and I begin to behave accordingly. 

 In Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Dumbledore states, "It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are..." Choices are my opportunity or power to make a decision. Reaction feels like a human right, a justified response from a justified emotion...but there is a choice in each moment. And it starts with slowing down and letting my newfound awareness mingled with the Holy Spirit present me with the truth. 
I am fantastic at the self analysis later on.  I slow down, I analyze the situation, I feel my feelings, and inevitably the next feeling is shame. I have a wonderful person in my life that speaks to me in these playback moments. And she lets me know that when a struggle is revealed, I now have a healing opportunity. I can then show myself compassion as well as to the "offender."

"Some habits are harder to break than others, especially when it is something addictive like food, caffeine, or social media. However, if you know that you have a bad habit, not doing anything to change it is your choice." (betterhumans.com)  As I learn, my self awareness strengthens. I gain wisdom about myself.  I am no longer looking outwardly at others thinking " I sure wish they would stop doing that." I look inwardly and say "I wish I would stop doing that." And more pressing, "why do I do that?" I don't blame others, instead I dig deeper to discover what has caused my reaction to someone else's choices, actions, or words.

I heard a statement about me (not to me) recently. It was not meant to be negative, but it effected me deeply. My first instinct was to make a phone call to "get things straight." I chose not to make that phone call. Two days later, I finally discovered a truth about myself, leading to a productive discussion with that person about my heart and affirming my trust in their true intentions. Speedily heading into an old habit, would have produced very different and difficult results. 

Roman 6:6  For WE KNOW that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be rendered powerless so that we may no longer be enslaved to sin.

The beginning of this verse stood out to me like a flashing red light. Once I know something, I cannot unknow it. "I didn't know" holds no weight. I believe my old habits are powerless. If I choose the old way, it is not because of lack of knowledge. I know the old self has been buried. I know that there is another way. I know the truth.  

My children will tell you that the worst parts of me show up when we need to get somewhere on time, or I have reached the end of the day and I just want everyone in bed ASAP. However, my tactics do not work, and relationships are damaged in the process. As soon as life speeds up, I lose my "slow down" and old habits start flying out. But I can't tell you I am unaware. Therefore, my awareness poses a choice. Ignorance can be bliss...but it doesn't change anything. It does not heal. 

Susie Larson writes "We don't flourish in our hardships by wallowing in them. Nor do we flourish in our hardships by ignoring them. We flourish when we face what breaks our heart, and then we look up to Jesus, the keeper of our hearts." (Fully Alive, 153) 

So much of what I am reading and listening to lately points to creating new habits by purposely refusing to engage in the old habit over and over and over:

Susie Larson writes "When we consistently remember God's faithfulness and rehearse His promises, when we apply His truth to our lives, and when we consistently make healthy life-adjustments, the narrative changes in our brains and our physiology, and those messages work their way out into our emotions, our perspective, and our reality. (Fully Alive, 152)

"Changing an automatic response would require a similar approach to the one it took to adjust our ritual of crossing the street: deliberate action (the decision to break the habit) and ongoing training (diligent adherence to a treatment program). Eventually, the brain would rewire itself and create a new, healthier automatic response." (psychologytoday.com) 

 The more I exercise, the more my body can do each day. The more I travel to a location the more familiar I am getting there on my own.  The more I practice slowing down in a chaotic mess, the less effect the chaos will have on my response. I do not practice "fake it til I make it." I lean into what I know. 

     It turns out these imperfections of mine are blessings. They are what keep me from being a robot.  Imperfection creates opportunities...so many opportunities. I have a choices and I make them imperfectly. I have a will and I use it imperfectly. This reveals my need to exchange my heart for my Savior's heart. I am a unique creation and I can reflect my creator. Just like my children can reflect me. 

      "No longer do I I expect to be perfect, and I don't hide away in isolation for fear of having my imperfections discovered. My imperfections reflect my humanness and my oneness with others." (Hope for Today, 54)

     I accept my imperfections. I see that those imperfections make my journey distinctively mine. I envision the jagged, imperfect rocks along the California coast that make the sea difficult to swim in, but the majesty of the intersection of those imperfections with the waves.  It shows me a struggle and an opportunity for healing. It shows me what I need to work on today. 

The Quest of "Being Still"

Walking around the water, breathing in the cool air, catching the light from behind the pine trees. I have come to realize we keep coming back to this nook in Georgia, because there is something restorative about it. Yes, there can be extreme weather, stifling humidity, and some of the most annoying bugs around. But right now, as I stroll the perimeter, I realize this is my time and my place for rehabilitation. A time to rebuild, regroup, and reestablish me. It's a peaceful acceptance. 

This time has allowed me to come undone in my lonely moments and find routine in my more chaotic moments. And in that space between introspection and the daily to do's of life, I have realized that somewhere along the way I prescribed myself an identity. I have become my reaction to survive the frenzy of unpredictable and chaotic episodes throughout life. Trying to maintain a sense of safety by staying  guarded and vowing to myself to be ready at any moment to thwart confusion and distress. And, in that, I birthed an identity that is not my own and stifled my genuineness.  That gnawing feeling in my chest that begs me to strive for better, to fight for self protection, to crave labels of a "strong woman," breaks open to authenticity. 

I am deep into dissecting verses and their message to me. Allowing a step by step, gentle process to transform me. A new desire to empathize, identify, and gain knowledge from the journey of others, emerges.  The Twelve Steps become more than a decision, but also a way of life. This internal adventure reveals more and more of who I am and who I am not. The same anticipation and giddiness that I would get on a travel day, is now how I wake up feeling about discovering more of what my Savior desires for me and who I am. 

Back in October, wishful dreams were held in my heart. Steps toward realizing a calling for our family began. However, at the very same time God was impressing on me the need for  a healing process. And Psalm 51:10 was the theme for the start. My nerdy word research led to the discovery of "authentic", "real", and "true" as synonyms for pure. These words would echo in my mind as I would try to merge my authentic self with "relentless" spirit. This is a simple verse. It should not stump me. But these two words created a dichotomy that I could not consider pursing at the same time.The exploration for healing began. I started with the book Fully Alive by Susie Larson. I heard her interview on a podcast that I listen to regularly. The plan was a 10 week (10 chapters) healing journey , tie up the loose ends, and our family would continue on to the next destination. I could say I was not prepared for the unraveling of plans that took place just four weeks later. But I am always exhaustively, mentally preparing for a bomb to drop.  I can also look back at past moments and see the footprints walking alongside reminding me I would not be alone. 

This strenuous yet familiar trek is far from over, but as I have followed the arrows of struggle and healing, I am exactly where I am meant to be, the place I was being prepared for. I have invested my time in several bible studies, and more books (It's Not Supposed to Be This Way, It's Okay to Not Be Okay, and continuing Fully Alive, Jeremiah, Ezekiel, Hebrews, and Proverbs) , and a 12 step program.  And, I am just recently fully embracing James 1:2-4. 

It should not take outside forces and extreme events for me to come to this conclusion. But God knows how to get my attention. He needed me to come to terms with the unmanageability of life and the powerlessness that I needed to admit. I did not believe that there was anything new that could be unearthed, but this concession changed everything. This particular road had to be revisited to take me here. 
And now, rather than sinking into self-pity, or resigning to regret for my family, I embrace the restorative process designed for me. My compassion is now for those that skip over or ignore these big eye-opening moments. The moments that deserve a pause to self reflect and self examine, permission to grieve losses now and in the past, and respond in a 180 degree overhaul of how life is done. 
The more I do life with others, and examine their experiences. The more I awaken to God scooping up, wrapping up, and encompassing the heartbroken.  This awakening is dormant  when life is happening on my terms and in my comfort zone. God prepares those suffering (outwardly, inwardly, or both) for something else more far reaching than themselves. There is an ultra awareness that takes place, not only self awareness and personal inventory, but awareness of all that has been missed in others and the forgotten gratitude. So my sorrow, now, is not for those that are in the refining fire. It is for those that are not. Those that believe that survival is the best way to live, and just try to make life as comfortable and easy as possible. As Lysa Terkeurst puts it, [Because of times like these] "You are anchored to the hope of God that so few ever truly find." (p104 It's Not Supposed to Be this Way)

It is that same spirit that fueled my travel desires, to experience life differently, and to provide perspective for my children, that inspires me to seek a personal, introspective journey now. What a waste if I were to just move from setting to setting and react the same way that I always have to fear, discomfort, and disappointments.  Travel has changed my mind about others, and disproved myths or stereotypes about a  particular area or culture when experiencing it firsthand. It only makes sense that my mind and spirit could be awakened by traveling within. Perhaps there are some beliefs about myself that could be disproven.

My central theme for Living Out of Bounds began with a verse 

Romans 7:6 But now, by dying to what once bound us, we have been released from the law so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit, and not in the old way of the written code.

I was hoping words would be penned inspiring others to do something uncommon. To break out of the status quo, "the law of the land", freeing themselves from the bindings of life. Perhaps trying something new, exciting, or discovering a Spirit led life. It was never to say you should sell everything and move into a RV. It was the idea of a personal journey towards discovery. If I had directed God in our adventure, I would have requested that this process take place before we hit the road (and in many ways I thought it already had.) But I trust (ie release my will and my trying)  His timing  and all the people, all the places, and all the experiences were leading to this climatic moment where God used it all for the more impactful journey...one that matters more to the legacy of this family.