Ephesians 5:14
For
it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said: "Wake
up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you."
The Holy Spirit
is beckoning me to wake up to this life. This beautiful life emerging from the
wreckage. This ability to build on the foundation and launch into all that He
has for me. The Holy Spirit is inviting me to dream.
I experienced deep, spiritual intimacy with God in a place of
suffering. Many authors have written that their best creative work comes from
the deepest pits of life's storms. Lysa Terkeurst writes " The last 3
years of my life had moments so dark I literally felt as if I was licking the
floor of hell." I could feel that statement to my very core. And I have
encountered Christ in a way that I couldn't otherwise. I have recovery and
restoration that would not be a part of me any other way.
And now? Now I am in phase of abundance and overflow of God's
mercies and favor on my life. Dare I even write that? For one, that feels like
bragging, and two, doesn't that beg the universe to smite me and take it all
away.
I have met God in my suffering. I recognized his blessings
more evidently in scarcity. I appreciated God for taking me down to dust to
reshape me into my purpose. I realized his provision when there was nothing. I encountered
Him in the rebuilding of a life from destruction and devastation. I experienced
him from a place of pure humility and needing him desperately. I learned how to
praise him in the storm.
I've only known praising him in the storm.
I do not understand my Savior in a place of abundance. If I
recount my history, I see me on my knees begging for my circumstances to
change. I seek reliance on Him. And then, the pattern, of turning a corner, and
then assuring God that I have it from here. The last three years, I have not
been afforded the luxury of turning a corner. Every corner gave way to a
lowering further into the pit. “To be a follower of the Crucified means, sooner
or later, a personal encounter with the cross. And
the cross always entails loss. The great symbol of
Christianity means sacrifice and no one who calls himself a Christian can evade
this stark fact.” ― Elisabeth Elliot, These Strange
Ashes
My healing was in motion, taking place in each moment. I was
able to go to war immediately to fight for each inch of healing ground
that I had acquired through my trust in Jesus. I would discover another tool of
recovery and put it to use. I reclaimed joy amidst all the uncertainty.
This season, I am discovering God in a new way.
He made my feet like the feet of a deer and set me
secure on the heights. Psalm 18:33
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. Psalm 40:2
Who is this God? I have seen Him, I have spoken to Him, and I
have read about Him. But now I get to experience Him. And the beginning of this
relationship on this side, has given way to the realization that I need Him
even more here. Temptations knocks at my door more readily, pride edges its way
in day by day, the enemy whispers you don't deserve this. And the action of
surrender that became constant in the storm, now desires to grasp hold of and
keep, rather than let go and let God. Trust and obey, turn my will and my life
over, beginning and continuing in the spirt rather than flesh...these are not
coming natural in abundance like they did in suffering. It is a fresh
perspective on recovery. It is trusting God from a completely different vantage
point.
The Holy Spirit dared me to dream, invited me to risk what I
have been given, and opened my heart in ways that I thought to be
impossible...to practice surrender and hope and relationship in a completely
foreign and invigorating way.
My weaknesses are being revealed and His strength is showing
up. I am not ready, and yet I am. I desire, I dream, I love, and I can trust
Him with my heart. I am new.
Mark 2:22 And no one pours new wine into old wineskins.
Otherwise, the wine will burst the skins, and both the wine and the wineskins
will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins.”
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:
The old has gone, the new is here 2 Cor 5:17
The old coping mechanisms and ways of survival
are emerging. They are coming out to protect me, rescue me from heartache, and keep
safe all the goodness. The former cravings for intimacy, ambition, and security
are creeping up to ensure that I keep striving for what I never earned in the
first place. I shouldn’t be surprised to find them here in this overflow of
God's blessings. The battle is not over. It will be different. I still must be
on guard, but not in the old way of anticipating loss. My readiness now comes
from a place of rest. It still requires my old friends: awareness, surrender,
and dying to self. I got to know them in suffering, but I can choose them in
abundance.
Dreaming, Goal Setting, Hoping, Believing is
terrifying on this side. The risk, with Christ, is worth it, every time. (I
have to tell myself that on repeat.)
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us. Ephesians 3:20
But he said to me, “My grace is
sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will
boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest
on me. 2 Cor 12:9
I close my eyes and I can see, The
world that’s waiting up for me, That I call my own, Through the dark, through
the door, through where no one’s been before, But it feels like home…A million
dreams is all it’s gonna take.
