But I was very near the beaches at Jekyll a few weeks ago, and I could tell this place was still a sticking point for me. I could almost feel the tension in my soul with the question "what will you ask of me next?" Do I still trust you? Will you still provide what is needed for the path that I will be asked to take? Was it worth it then, will it be worth it now?
I had been hyper focused for several years, in fixing things my way, and fixing a person and fixing the plan. I just knew what God had in mind and I could make it happen just the right way in just the right time. I really, really missed the forest for the trees. There has been a continuing theme, in this new space of Awakening, that several Bible verses and Bible concepts that I had been praying years ago were actually meant for me. Things like:
I was instantly reminded when my feet hit the sand today, that in this exact spot back in 2019 God had given me a verse, that I had no idea was for me. And one that I had completely forgotten about.
I texted my friend yesterday. Let's go celebrate the victory of everything being crazy and uncertain, but us not going crazy in the midst of it all. There was a moment this week when it seemed all was coming undone, yet all was well and making more sense than it should be. This was new territory for me. My relationship with Christ losing it's tendency to be outcome based. He had not given me what I wanted. His timing was being trusted. And my worship was in proper order. God really knows better than I do. I understood the concept, but it has taken a lot of practice to really believe it and live it.
This morning, I knew that it was time to make peace with God and his mysterious ways. And, He showed up for it. And let me in on a few secrets, not many, but a few.
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you, your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26
When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?” John 5:6
Mark 8:23-25 And he took the blind man by the hand and led him out of the village, and when he had spit on his eyes and laid his hands on him, he asked him, “Do you see anything?” And he looked up and said, “I see people, but they look like trees, walking.” Then Jesus laid his hands on his eyes again; and he opened his eyes, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly.
There can't be a resurrection without a death. This was a big one. And continual.
Luke 22: 31-32 Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.
The last few years have been a journey of faith and healing and more faith and more healing. And I can say with all certainty that I trust every single promise. And, I realize I am not so powerful to be able to screw up God's plan.
I have struggled with joy in spite of circumstances. But when God is put in His rightful place. When I look to healer, now just the healing. When I hold loosely to the gifts, trusting that surrender is an act of love. It just happens.
2 Corinthians 3: 17-18 Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate[the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
Transformation is taking place. It just is. It boggles my mind---probably because my mind is not where it is taking place. My heart is open.
Today I wrote "My inside is awakening, but my outside circumstances are unsteady and unclear." And this verse instantly came to mind.
2 Cor 4:16
Therefor we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
There is a veil being lifted. I am being told to focus on the spiritual/unseen versus the physical/seen. AW Tozer's The Pursuit of God is the smallest, yet slowest book to finish. And now I see why,
Strongholds are being broken off (again not through the fire, but through goodness and abundance and calm...while also curious about God's timing). Temptations and attacks are not different but they are doing a work rather than taking me down. Who is this person? Where did this sudden infusion of faith come from? How did joy arise in the amidst of all the unknowns?
This did not happen overnight. There's a journey of the soul involved. I had to look back...oh yeah... I know this pattern. His ways have never been my ways. He is putting the puzzle pieces together. He has done much more bizarre things before. And God is not going to ask me to go further or faster than I am ready. Oh yeah and He gets to decide on the readiness, I just have to be willing. I have also recently been told to live from my heart and not my mind. This is also a concept I could not grasp until now. I wasn't ready until I was ready. My appetite and my hunger for more is growing.
My final journal entry today:
I did not have to come to Jekyll Island to realize all this, connect the dots, or hear from God. I had already surrendered and laid it all down. But that is not where it ends. I needed to come here for the symbol of redemption. I needed to allow God to restore this location as a place of hope. To remember God lead me here before and did not let me down. I am here to fill in the gaps and the holes after the surrender. It is not enough to remove. I must also be filled. Places, locations, experiences...these are my Ebenezers. When I get blown off course, and choose the veil of self over God again, which I will, I will more readily return to the natural bent of my soul (that was not always so natural).
It is worth it. He is worthy.
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