Opposing Versions
When someone says, "Oh that's just (insert your name)!" when explaining your unique traits. What would be said? What quirky thing is attributed to you? What would you like it to be?
For me it could refer to a few things... my spur of the moment adventures, or my 15-20 minutes of wiggle room I give myself on time, sometimes hearing my laughter from afar, or very strange mishaps/misfortunes that seem to only happen to me (or because of me), or the strange things you will find under my car seats or the corners of my kitchen.
My hope would be that "Oh that's just Julie" would mean this:
-she's a little quiet today, she must be wrestling with God
-that's a strange choice, but we know she is Spirit lead
- she's off track now, and that means obedience and submission is just around the corner
-she can be passionate, and we see God using that
-oh no that could fail, but she's been asked to fail for Jesus before (and she failed with flying colors)
In short, at 41, I want the evidence to be clear on the soul shifts that are occurring. I want to be trusted with my freedom in Christ, while also protecting it .
Last year, 40 was on the horizon, and my baptism, the symbolism of coming out of the wilderness and celebrating not only surviving the last few years, but also moving forward. It felt magical. As though God was going to finally bestow on me the promised land. I put a lot of emphasis on that birthday. It was so much more than a milestone birthday to me.
Now, weeks from 41, The enemy lurks around the corner taunting, as he is known to do, with holidays and anniversaries of events. Has anything really changed from the previous year? Did you really make any progress?
The journaled timeline of my heart's progression proves, I am not the same. I am a new creation. I am free! I was under the impression that I would feel free when I got the house in my name, or the divorce was final, or a new relationship began, or my children affirmed that I had not completely messed up everything. But freedom was there for the taking all along, in my letting go, surrender. And I began choosing it over and over. When did that start happening? I do not know. All I know is that things that used to take me down, no longer do. That I gave other people the keys back to their choices. And even in wanting more, within my desires, I am held and content.
A friend says, "You have been through a lot this year." I am a little confused. Previous years were much more dramatic...a rollercoaster ride with high highs and low lows, and a lot of turbulence in between. "I mean internally, you've processed and worked through a lot."
My promised land came in the form of renewal from within. My response, my outlook, my understanding was turned upside down, but in that paradoxal way that only Jesus can do. I previously would have
overreacted,
and created solutions to things that were not my problem,
and forged paths that were not meant to be part of my journey.
Truthfully, I tiptoed around old versions of me, danced on lines, and allowed my flesh to have too much dialogue in my subconscious.
But I wrestled--the new version of me grew louder and more confident...and eventually my becoming new overcame the haunting of my former self.
"Julie, do you trust yourself?" How can I answer that. I don't even know this person. This is a version of me that I have not been introduced to. When she speaks, and thinks, and takes action...it's as though I am seeing her for the first time. I like her, but I am not quite comfortable in her skin. And, I have a quintessential fear of success. And this girl is not playing around with breaking chains and patterns and being and especially being different.
Integration
1 Thessalonians 5:23 May the God of Peace himself sanctify you entirely (wholeness); and may your mind and soul and body be kept sound and blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Renewal of mind and living from a surrendered heart and discovering my identity required the integration of the body. So much is being locked in there. Attention to the body strengthens awareness. Loving God within the body that he gave me, and accepting it, and nurturing it.
A high value on my list is growth. I am attracted to people that desire ongoing personal growth through trying new things, choosing to be uncomfortable, and peeling back that next layer to expose what God wants to refine next. And, what is valuable to me needs to also be found in me...integrity of my mind, body, and soul.
I have integrity when my core values and beliefs penetrate all areas of my being. And if alarm bells are going off in one area, I can dissect/ explore all areas, and apply healing holistically, apply the spirit of power, love, and soundness throughout.
1 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love and of a sound mind.
I had not idea I was neglecting my body, until I paid attention to it. No longer forgetting my body to the integration of mind and soul, gives integrity to my overall being-who that I say that I am-who He says that I am throughout.
Integrity creates wholeness, unification, soundness, and consistency...discipline.
Soundness reveals stability and thorough knowledge/experience. In the bible verses that use "sound" the greek work is Sodzo--which is delivered, rescued safe. It gives an essence of already there, already covered, it's already yours for the taking---salvation. Can the body be part of my sanctification?
Enter Yoga...an unexpected and yet integral part of the story. And it's metaphors are not lost on me. Yoga is a practice. My core is central to the whole thing. In life and in my body, I have concentrated on strengthening all the areas outside of my core. My yoga instructor could see my frustration. Very practically, she said " think of how long you did it your way. Be patient as you embrace posturing yourself in a different way."
My stance, my movements, my coping, my worship all felt right..eventhough it wasn't. And now what is right feels painful and uncomfortable. Eventually, it will become a natural rhythm of life. Muscle memory develops...with practice.
And that sums up my frustration with life right now.
Being told to sit, practice, endure, wait...allow this new self to develop trust, build strength, stamina. Allowing God to bring me a gift. The gift of the next step, the gift of rest, the gift of Him.
But, God, don't you see?
Didn't you hear...there are plans for my future?
So much to be hopeful about! I am amazed by the new life, thriving rather than surviving, the fresh possibilities that await! Abundance! Freedom! Awakening!
Be still, wait, practice, build endurance, receive
“I dare say you will think it a very easy thing to stand still, but it is one of the postures which a Christian soldier learns not without years of teaching. [Stillness] is one of the most difficult to learn under the Captain of our salvation.--Charles Spurgeon
Practice
Isaiah 43:19 I am about to do a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way/road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.
A 55 year old friend in recovery, says to me "I don't get it, I am older, and yet I feel younger than I ever did."
She put words to something I couldn't. The integration of it all has allowed for freedom to restore a youthfulness, an energy, a loss of a weight. Freedom...newness. And as I continue to encounter those ahead of me in life and in books, God does not let up. He keeps shedding off the old and offering renewal.
I am choosing slowness, bending my will, practice, taking it one step at a time, and asking a lot of questions. I am getting to know myself on this side, Jesus on this side, and others on this side. I am repositioning. My core strength tends to shift when I move from one thing to the next too quickly. And it's a time to remember, recall, and recommit to the process. The Israelites built a golden calf-an idol while they were waiting, forgetting what they just experienced.
God has plans. He has reawakened long forgotten desires and dreams--feels painful and hurtful at the moment. He has offered up a list of choices and possibilities. And He says let's go a little further and let's get to know each other here. So much has been reawakened, restored, revived. And my propensity to fall back into unbelief is there beckoning me to take control and make it all happen. And thus the practice begins.
Being Still But Not Stagnant
Joshua 3:8--"When you reach the edge of the Jordan's waters, go and stand in the river." I can't hang out on dry land doing nothing. I take the step and wait for the waters to move...and the pathway to emerge. God makes this point in Joshua 3:4--"Then you will know which way to go, since you have neve been this way before."
So I am putting myself in the water. There is a stirring for sure and dry land is starting to emerge. I had to get in the water though.
I am asked by a friend, her eyes dancing, half accusatory/half amused..."What is this life that you live?" and I am awe struck. There it is outside proof. The questions are changing..."How do you do it?" Are you going to be okay? How can I help? That's what I used to be asked. There's is something different on this side. True, real life. And it is noticed. A transformation that evokes curiosity.
I will take on 41 with all it's lack of chaos, it's seemingly pause in a greater adventure, and it's consistency. And I will add my willingness, my practice, my mistakes, my realignment, my standing in the water waiting expectantly, my love, my hope, my faith, my passion, my wildness, my loudness, my laughter, and spontaneity and all that makes me a unique child of God.
I anticipate the waters moving, exposing the foundation laid before me, the path to open up and my family to arrive on the other side, to take a breather before being presented with the next water's edge.
