False Start

"What will you ask of me?" this is a line in a song by Plumb. When I am in a certain state of mind. It repeats over and over as a rhetorical question. I don't really want to know the answer. Interestingly when I first typed that sentence, I mistakenly wrote When I am in a certain state of mine. Perhaps that is me telling on myself. In a state of mine, I do not want to know what I will be asked, because I am fearful of what I may have to give up. 

Is life and scheduling and exhaustion getting in the way of Advent, or am I avoiding what the Holy Spirit will reveal to me? As I encourage you to lean in, I am tempted to do the opposite.  The wrestling patterns in my Christian walk are embarrassing. The outcomes are shareworthy and inspirational, but not so much the mess in between.

First, I avoid. If you send me a sermon, or bible reading, or book, it is highly unlikely that I will get to it within a reasonable amount of time. Why? Because you can't unhear, unsee, unknow something once you encounter it. And almost always an action step is then required, or at the very least a willingness to go deeper.

After, I get past avoidance, and learn the thing I didn't want to learn, I then say emphatically "No" to whatever it is. I am not willing. Sometimes there are consequences, sometimes I miss out, and sometimes there is grace. I have not ended up in the belly of a whale yet. But I have gotten close. And ultimately, I cause myself a lot more grief, and also others. 

Next, I edge my way into obedience. Full on temper tantrums and arguing and fussing all along the way. It is not pretty. 

Finally, I do the thing. And I bask in the peace and freedom that comes from letting go and the willingness to obey. I would like to envision heaven rejoicing in this moment. But I am pretty sure they are just shaking their heads up there. I hope this is becoming less and less of a pattern for me. However, the start of Advent 2022 would suggest otherwise.

Last night in exasperation, I forced myself to listen to a 5 minute Advent reading on my Dwell app (highly recommend). 

Isaiah 54: 1-8 Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband, says the Lord. Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back, lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities. Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. For your Maker is your husband the Lord Almighty is his name—the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. The Lord will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—a wife who married young, only to be rejected,” says your God. For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back. In a surge of anger, I hid my face from you for a moment, but with everlasting kindness, I will have compassion on you, says the Lord your Redeemer.

And I remembered Galatians...the turning point in my relationship with Jesus, and sometimes remembering is all it takes to awaken and refreshen desire. I could write paragraph after paragraph on how these words resonated with my soul. But I would prefer to just bring Isaiah 54 and Galatians 4 to your attention. 

Galatians 4:27-31 For it is written: Be glad, barren woman, you who never bore a child; shout for joy and cry aloud, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman. Than of her who has a husband.

Now you, brothers and sisters, like Isaac, are children of promise. At that time the son born according to the flesh persecuted the son born by the power of the Spirit. It is the same now.  But what does Scripture say? “Get rid of the slave woman and her son, for the slave woman’s son will never share in the inheritance with the free woman’s son. Therefore, brothers and sisters, we are not children of the slave woman, but of the free woman.