Advent Awakening with Abraham

 Fear, Shame, Doubt it all hit me this week. Questioning some of my spending  in a season of financial uncertaintity, doubting my own ability to make wise choices and also God's provision. I am afraid I have completely crashed the Christmas Spirit . Pridefully puffing myself up in believing I have the power to destroy all that God has done up to this point. These feelings evolve into grasping for control. I have a fairly laid back parenting style and even more so  housekeeping style and and also the way my children are perceived in public. When I start tightening up in these areas and becoming overly controlling and stressed, all signs are blinking for me to take a step back and reevaluate.

Abraham 

The last line of our advent reading last night. (Genesis 21:107) "Because of Him, we can sing fa-la-la-la-la-la and feel what laughter does inside of us--it sends soda-pop-fizzing, bubbly joy all the way down to our toes."

I am not crashing Christmas Spirit in all my control and doubt. Christmas is not going to by-pass our home this year because of my unbelief. I am in it's very presence, and I am missing it. Joy! It's here for the taking. 

 Abram said: "O Lord God, what will you give me, for I continue childless, and the heir of my house is Eliezer of Damascus?" 

God promises Abraham more than he can fathom. Abraham is asking small questions in the midst of big promises. And for a good portion of the fulfillment of those promises, Abraham won't even be present to witness it. (Genesis 15)

My relationship with Jesus is fractured when it is outcome based. It cannot be prayers being answered my way and promises fulfilled in my timeframe. "No weapon forged against me has prospered."  And yet, nothing has turned out the way I wanted.  The plans He has for more were better. The security system that He designed far outperformed what I had put my hope in.  And even still, it's God with us that matters most. Abraham did not see immediate results in the big things, he saw promises fulfilled in the step by step faith walk, and God's demonstrative covenant proved that God was with him in it the entire time. 

The end of my advent reading this morning. I was challenged to remove Jesus from the nativity set, and put my prayer there until Christmas Eve. Then put Jesus back in his place. Trust my prayers my hearts' longings with him, and also the peace of Him. Just having him in this life and in the next. That string of hope woven into the fabric of the Christ centered life 

False Start

"What will you ask of me?" this is a line in a song by Plumb. When I am in a certain state of mind. It repeats over and over as a rhetorical question. I don't really want to know the answer. Interestingly when I first typed that sentence, I mistakenly wrote When I am in a certain state of mine. Perhaps that is me telling on myself. In a state of mine, I do not want to know what I will be asked, because I am fearful of what I may have to give up. 

Is life and scheduling and exhaustion getting in the way of Advent, or am I avoiding what the Holy Spirit will reveal to me? As I encourage you to lean in, I am tempted to do the opposite.  The wrestling patterns in my Christian walk are embarrassing. The outcomes are shareworthy and inspirational, but not so much the mess in between.

First, I avoid. If you send me a sermon, or bible reading, or book, it is highly unlikely that I will get to it within a reasonable amount of time. Why? Because you can't unhear, unsee, unknow something once you encounter it. And almost always an action step is then required, or at the very least a willingness to go deeper.

After, I get past avoidance, and learn the thing I didn't want to learn, I then say emphatically "No" to whatever it is. I am not willing. Sometimes there are consequences, sometimes I miss out, and sometimes there is grace. I have not ended up in the belly of a whale yet. But I have gotten close. And ultimately, I cause myself a lot more grief, and also others. 

Next, I edge my way into obedience. Full on temper tantrums and arguing and fussing all along the way. It is not pretty. 

Finally, I do the thing. And I bask in the peace and freedom that comes from letting go and the willingness to obey. I would like to envision heaven rejoicing in this moment. But I am pretty sure they are just shaking their heads up there. I hope this is becoming less and less of a pattern for me. However, the start of Advent 2022 would suggest otherwise.

Last night in exasperation, I forced myself to listen to a 5 minute Advent reading on my Dwell app (highly recommend). 

Isaiah 54: 1-8 Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband, says the Lord. Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back, lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities. Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. For your Maker is your husband the Lord Almighty is his name—the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. The Lord will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—a wife who married young, only to be rejected,” says your God. For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back. In a surge of anger, I hid my face from you for a moment, but with everlasting kindness, I will have compassion on you, says the Lord your Redeemer.

And I remembered Galatians...the turning point in my relationship with Jesus, and sometimes remembering is all it takes to awaken and refreshen desire. I could write paragraph after paragraph on how these words resonated with my soul. But I would prefer to just bring Isaiah 54 and Galatians 4 to your attention. 

Galatians 4:27-31 For it is written: Be glad, barren woman, you who never bore a child; shout for joy and cry aloud, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman. Than of her who has a husband.

Now you, brothers and sisters, like Isaac, are children of promise. At that time the son born according to the flesh persecuted the son born by the power of the Spirit. It is the same now.  But what does Scripture say? “Get rid of the slave woman and her son, for the slave woman’s son will never share in the inheritance with the free woman’s son. Therefore, brothers and sisters, we are not children of the slave woman, but of the free woman.

 

Advent Begins

Without even realizing it my anthem went from Beyonce's Single Ladies to Surface Pressure from Encanto. When another single mom pointed out this ode to all the pressure...I had a major "me too" moment. In fact, I would vote for the entire Encanto soundtrack being added to the Christmas playlist every year. Holiday pressure is at a simmer point right now, but it has the potential ...as we measure this growing pressure, to keep growing, keep going..

There's a similar feeling in those hours before dropping the girls off with their Dad. Stuffing in as much love and fun and happiness possible before they leave. Adding pressure and shame and anxiety and expectations into an experience, rarely results in anything other than chaos and tears. I am unlearning my propensity to act on these feelings rather than just acknowledging them.  My intentions can be sincere, while my heart posture is out of balance.

For many years, I associated Christmas with performance, getting it right, providing and capturing the Christmas spirit. Then one Christmas I pushed myself to a breaking point. I allowed an incident, right before Christmas Day,  a life changing, terrifying event, to be swept under the rug in the name of Christmas. "It was a shame this happened around the holidays", so I pretended that it didn't. Pride snuck in, making me believe my "resilience" is what fueled my strength. I had passed the test, I could conquer anything.  Leading me to many holiday seasons where I manufactured the Christmas magic, or remained vigilant and on edge.

In 2018, I had reached my max capacity for creating Christmas bliss. It wasn't some Grinch filled episode of determination to ruin Christmas. I simply accepted reality regardless of the time of year. Christmas actually didn't need a bodyguard to ward off any threats of dismantling it. I allowed truth to be revealed and peace to come in an unexpected ways, rather than protecting my image and the image of Christmas. I was broken and weak. And in that, I realized my weakness was my strength.

Jesus arrived in the most vulnerable position possible...as a baby. He chose to enter into our heartache, our disappointment, our failure. This was mind blowing to me. I was too busy or flustered or scared to pay attention to this before. It was in my weakest moment of letting everything fall apart that clarity was revealed in Emmanuel. And that year, and every year since, Christmas has come to me, and I no longer had to produce it, bury my hurt to get to it, or succumb to the pressure. 

The foreboding fog that loomed over me each season has been replaced with anticipation and wonder.  I consider the 400 years of silence without a peep from God. I imagine it to be very ominous, going from keeping eyes and ears open for God's direction, to year 105 or 208.  Every sound creating a chill or dread at what could be lurking in the cavern of God's silence. But then, Zechariah, receives a prophecy and Mary is told the impossible...there's a stirring, restlessness, anticipation...advent.

41 Freedom

Opposing Versions

When someone says, "Oh that's just (insert your name)!" when explaining your unique traits. What would be said? What quirky thing is attributed to you? What would you like it to be?   

For me it could refer to a few things... my spur of the moment adventures, or my 15-20 minutes of wiggle room I give myself on time, sometimes hearing my laughter from afar, or very strange mishaps/misfortunes that seem to only happen to me (or because of me), or the strange things you will find under my car seats or the corners of my kitchen.

My hope would be that "Oh that's just Julie" would mean this:

-she's a little quiet today, she must be wrestling with God

-that's a strange choice, but we know she is Spirit lead

- she's off track now, and that means obedience and submission is just around the corner

-she can be passionate, and we see God using that 

-oh no that could fail, but she's been asked to fail for Jesus before (and she failed with flying colors) 

In short, at 41,  I want the evidence to be clear on the soul shifts that are occurring. I want to be trusted with my freedom in Christ, while also protecting it . 

Last year, 40 was on the horizon, and my baptism, the symbolism of coming out of the wilderness and celebrating not only surviving the last few years, but also moving forward. It felt magical. As though God was going to finally bestow on me the promised land. I put a lot of emphasis on that birthday. It was so much more than a milestone birthday to me. 

Now, weeks from 41, The enemy lurks around the corner taunting, as he is known to do, with holidays and anniversaries of events. Has anything really changed from the previous year? Did you really make any progress? 

The journaled timeline of my heart's progression proves, I am not the same. I am a new creation.  I am free! I  was under the impression that I would feel free when I got the house in my name, or the divorce was final, or a new relationship began, or my children affirmed that I had not completely messed up everything. But freedom was there for the taking all along, in my letting go, surrender. And I began choosing it over and over. When did that start happening? I do not know. All I know is that things that used to take me down, no longer do. That I gave other people the keys back to their choices. And even in wanting more, within my desires, I am held and content. 

A friend says, "You have been through a lot this year." I am a little confused. Previous years were much more dramatic...a rollercoaster ride with high highs and low lows, and a lot of turbulence in between. "I mean internally, you've processed and worked through a lot." 

 My promised land came in the form of renewal from within. My response, my outlook, my understanding was turned upside down, but in that paradoxal way that only Jesus can do. 

 I previously would have

overreacted, 

and created solutions to things that were not my problem, 

and forged paths that were not meant to be part of my journey. 

Truthfully, I tiptoed around old versions of me, danced on lines, and allowed my flesh to have too much dialogue in my subconscious.

 But I wrestled--the new version of me grew louder and more confident...and eventually my becoming new overcame the haunting of my former self. 

"Julie, do you trust yourself?" How can I answer that. I don't even know this person. This is a version of me that I have not been introduced to. When she speaks, and thinks, and takes action...it's as though I am seeing her for the first time. I like her, but I am not quite comfortable in her skin. And, I have a quintessential fear of success. And this girl is not playing around with breaking chains and patterns and being and especially being different. 

Integration 

1 Thessalonians 5:23 May the God of Peace himself sanctify you entirely (wholeness); and may your mind and soul and body be kept sound and blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Renewal of mind and living from a surrendered heart and discovering my identity required the integration of the body. So much is being locked in there. Attention to the body strengthens awareness. Loving God within the body that he gave me, and accepting it, and nurturing it. 

A high value on my list is growth. I am attracted to people that desire ongoing personal growth through trying new things, choosing to be uncomfortable, and peeling back that next layer to expose what God wants to refine next. And, what is valuable to me needs to also be found in me...integrity of my mind, body, and soul. 

 I have integrity when my core values and beliefs penetrate all areas of my being. And if alarm bells are going off in one area, I can dissect/ explore all areas, and apply healing holistically, apply the spirit of power, love, and soundness throughout. 

1 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love and of a sound mind. 

I had not idea I was neglecting my body, until I paid attention to it.  No longer forgetting my body to the integration of mind and soul, gives integrity to my overall being-who that I say that I am-who He says that I am throughout. 

Integrity creates wholeness, unification, soundness, and consistency...discipline.

Soundness reveals stability  and thorough knowledge/experience. In the bible verses that use "sound" the greek work is Sodzo--which is delivered, rescued safe. It gives an essence of already there, already covered, it's already yours for the taking---salvation. Can the body be part of my sanctification? 

 

Enter Yoga...an unexpected and yet integral part of the story. And it's metaphors are not lost on me. Yoga is a practice. My core is central to the whole thing. In life and in my body, I have concentrated on strengthening all the areas outside of my core. My yoga instructor could see my frustration. Very practically, she said " think of how long you did it your way. Be patient as you embrace posturing yourself in a different way." 

My stance, my movements, my coping, my worship all felt right..eventhough  it wasn't.  And now what is right feels painful and uncomfortable. Eventually, it will become a natural rhythm of life.  Muscle memory develops...with practice. 

And that sums up my frustration with life right now. 

Being told to sit, practice, endure, wait...allow this new self to develop trust, build strength, stamina. Allowing God to bring me a gift. The gift of the next step, the gift of rest, the gift of Him. 

But, God, don't you see?

Didn't you hear...there are plans for my future? 

So much to be hopeful about! I am amazed by the new life, thriving rather than surviving, the fresh possibilities that await! Abundance! Freedom! Awakening!

Be still, wait, practice, build endurance, receive

“I dare say you will think it a very easy thing to stand still, but it is one of the postures which a Christian soldier learns not without years of teaching. [Stillness] is one of the most difficult to learn under the Captain of our salvation.--Charles Spurgeon

Practice 

Isaiah 43:19 I am about to do a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way/road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. 

A 55 year old friend in recovery, says to me "I don't get it, I am older, and yet I feel younger than          I ever did."

She put words to something I couldn't. The integration of it all has allowed for freedom to restore a youthfulness, an energy, a loss of  a weight. Freedom...newness. And as I continue to encounter those ahead of me in life and in books, God does not let up. He keeps shedding off the old and offering renewal. 

I am choosing slowness, bending my will, practice, taking it one step at a time, and asking a lot of questions. I am getting to know myself on this side, Jesus on this side, and others on this side. I am repositioning. My core strength tends to shift when I move from one thing to the next too quickly.   And it's a time to remember, recall, and recommit to the process. The Israelites built a golden calf-an idol while they were waiting, forgetting what they just experienced. 

God has plans. He has reawakened long forgotten desires and dreams--feels painful and hurtful at the moment. He has offered up a list of choices and possibilities. And He says let's go a little further and let's get to know each other here. So much has been reawakened, restored, revived. And my propensity to fall back into unbelief is there beckoning me to take control and make it all happen. And thus the practice begins.

Being Still But Not Stagnant

Joshua 3:8--"When you reach the edge of the Jordan's waters, go and stand in the river." I can't hang out on dry land doing nothing. I take the step and wait for the waters to move...and the pathway to emerge. God makes this point in Joshua 3:4--"Then you will know which way to go, since you have neve been this way before." 

So I am putting myself in the water. There is a stirring for sure and dry land is starting to emerge. I had to get in the water though. 

I recently had an interaction with my oldest. She is not happy with some of the steps I am taking. I asked a loaded question, not knowing which way it would go. I said, "Have I ever lead this family to disaster? I have asked a lot of big, heavy, and hard things of you---and did they every not turn out okay?" I braced myself for impact. And she shocked me. " No, Mom, you have made good decisions that were hard but they turned out good." What? I have a solid track record with her. I am trustworthy, that is,  God's direction is trustworthy. 

I am asked by a friend, her eyes dancing, half accusatory/half amused..."What is this life that you live?" and I am awe struck. There it is outside proof. The questions are changing..."How do you do it?" Are you going to be okay? How can I help? That's what I used to be asked. There's is something different on this side. True, real life. And it is noticed. A transformation that evokes curiosity. 

I will take on 41 with all it's lack of chaos, it's seemingly pause in a greater adventure, and it's consistency. And I will add my willingness, my practice, my mistakes, my realignment, my standing in the water waiting expectantly, my love, my hope, my faith, my passion, my wildness, my loudness, my laughter, and spontaneity and all that makes me a unique child of God.

I anticipate the waters moving, exposing the foundation laid before me, the path to open up and my family to arrive on the other side, to take a breather before being presented with the next water's edge. 

Saturday, June 4, 2022

Today I went to the beach. But it was not just any beach, it was Jekyll Island. I have not dipped my toes into these waters since 2019. Was I avoiding this place? I didn't think I was purposely. But perhaps somewhere deep in my subconscious, I had buried some resentment in the sand. 2019 was a year of spiritual whiplash, and God was repeatedly asking me to trust and obey no matter what was asked of me.  He made it clear at Jekyll then that if he asked something crazy radical of me that He would give me the grace needed for the endeavor. 

But I was very near the beaches at Jekyll a few weeks ago, and I could tell this place was still a sticking point for me. I could almost feel the tension in my soul with the question "what will you ask of me next?" Do I still trust you? Will you still provide what is needed for the path that I will be asked to take?  Was it worth it then, will it be worth it now?

I texted my friend yesterday. Let's go celebrate the victory of everything being crazy and uncertain, but us not going crazy in the midst of it all. There was a moment this week when it seemed all was coming undone, yet all was well and making more sense than it should be.  This was new territory for me. My relationship with Christ losing it's tendency to be outcome based. He had not given me what I wanted. His timing was being trusted. And my worship was in proper order. God really knows better than I do. I understood the concept, but it has taken a lot of practice to really believe it and live it. 

This morning, I knew that it was time to make peace with God and his mysterious ways. And, He showed up for it. And let me in on a few secrets, not many, but a few. 

I had been hyper focused for several years, in fixing things my way, and fixing a person and fixing the plan. I just knew what God had in mind and I could make it happen just the right way in just the right time. I really, really missed the forest for the trees.  There has been a continuing theme, in this new space of Awakening, that several Bible verses and Bible concepts that I had been praying  years ago were actually meant for me. Things like:

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you, your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26

When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?” John 5:6

Mark 8:23-25 And he took the blind man by the hand and led him out of the village, and when he had spit on his eyes and laid his hands on him, he asked him, “Do you see anything?” And he looked up and said, “I see people, but they look like trees, walking.” Then Jesus laid his hands on his eyes again; and he opened his eyes, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly.

There can't be a resurrection without a death. This was a big one. And continual. 

I was instantly reminded when my feet hit the sand today, that in this exact spot back in 2019 God had given me a verse, that I had no idea was for me. And one that I had completely forgotten about. 

Luke 22: 31-32 Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat.  But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.

The last few years have been a journey of faith and healing and more faith and more healing. And I can say with all certainty that I trust every single promise. And, I realize I am not so powerful to be able to screw up God's plan. 

I have struggled with  joy in spite of circumstances. But when God is put in His rightful place. When I look to healer, now just the healing. When I hold loosely to the gifts, trusting that surrender is an act of love. It just happens. 

2 Corinthians 3: 17-18 Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate[the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. 

Transformation is taking place. It just is. It boggles my mind---probably because my mind is not where it is taking place. My heart is open. 

Today I wrote "My inside is awakening, but my outside circumstances are unsteady and unclear." And this verse instantly came to mind. 

2 Cor 4:16

Therefor we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 

There is a veil being lifted. I am being told to focus on the spiritual/unseen versus the physical/seen. AW Tozer's The Pursuit of God is the smallest, yet slowest book to finish. And now I see why, 

Strongholds are being broken off (again not through the fire, but through goodness and abundance and calm...while also curious about God's timing). Temptations and attacks are not different but they are doing a work rather than taking me down. Who is this person? Where did this sudden infusion of faith come from? How did joy arise in the amidst of all the unknowns? 

This did not happen overnight. There's a journey of the soul involved. I had to look back...oh yeah... I know this pattern. His ways have never been my ways. He is putting the puzzle pieces together. He has done much more bizarre things before.  And God is not going  to ask me to go further or faster than I am ready.  Oh yeah and He gets to decide on the readiness, I just have to be willing. I have also  recently been told to live from my heart and not my mind. This is also a concept I could not grasp until now. I wasn't ready until I was ready. My appetite and my hunger for more is growing. 

My final journal entry today:

I did not have to come to Jekyll Island to realize all this, connect the dots, or hear from God. I had already surrendered and laid it all down. But that is not where it ends. I needed to come here for the symbol of redemption. I needed to allow God to restore this location as a place of hope. To remember God lead me here before and did not let me down. I am here to fill in the gaps and the holes after the surrender. It is not enough to remove. I must also be filled. Places, locations, experiences...these are my Ebenezers. When I get blown off course, and choose the veil of self over God again, which I will, I will more readily return to the natural bent of my soul (that was not always so natural). 

It is worth it.  He is worthy.  

Awakening, Abundance, and Surrender

 Ephesians 5:14

 For it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said: "Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you."

 My down time, my meditations, my idle thoughts lead to a theme of waking up. I have resided in a space of chaos for long stretches. My brain automatically thinks, if the Holy Spirit is asking me to awake, I need to wake up to danger around me. I must be missing the next fall out. Perhaps I have invited someone or something in my life that could destroy me.

 I, then, realize I am on solid ground. I have lived here long enough to come out of survival mode. Hey, look, the skies are sunny. There are no looming clouds in the distance. Waves and waves of healing have replaced years and years of hurt. Recovery has been cycling through my veins. My friends are coming alongside me in my battles, no longer pulling me out of the pit of despair. I am not in need of a rescue in any form. 

The Holy Spirit is beckoning me to wake up to this life. This beautiful life emerging from the wreckage. This ability to build on the foundation and launch into all that He has for me. The Holy Spirit is inviting me to dream. 

I experienced deep, spiritual intimacy with God in a place of suffering. Many authors have written that their best creative work comes from the deepest pits of life's storms. Lysa Terkeurst writes " The last 3 years of my life had moments so dark I literally felt as if I was licking the floor of hell." I could feel that statement to my very core. And I have encountered Christ in a way that I couldn't otherwise. I have recovery and restoration that would not be a part of me any other way.

And now? Now I am in phase of abundance and overflow of God's mercies and favor on my life. Dare I even write that? For one, that feels like bragging, and two, doesn't that beg the universe to smite me and take it all away.

I have met God in my suffering. I recognized his blessings more evidently in scarcity. I appreciated God for taking me down to dust to reshape me into my purpose. I realized his provision when there was nothing. I encountered Him in the rebuilding of a life from destruction and devastation. I experienced him from a place of pure humility and needing him desperately. I learned how to praise him in the storm.

I've only known praising him in the storm.

I do not understand my Savior in a place of abundance. If I recount my history, I see me on my knees begging for my circumstances to change. I seek reliance on Him. And then, the pattern, of turning a corner, and then assuring God that I have it from here. The last three years, I have not been afforded the luxury of turning a corner. Every corner gave way to a lowering further into the pit. “To be a follower of the Crucified means, sooner or later, a personal encounter with the cross. And the cross always entails loss. The great symbol of Christianity means sacrifice and no one who calls himself a Christian can evade this stark fact.” ― Elisabeth Elliot, These Strange Ashes

My healing was in motion, taking place in each moment. I was able to go to war immediately to fight for each  inch of healing ground that I had acquired through my trust in Jesus. I would discover another tool of recovery and put it to use. I reclaimed joy amidst all the uncertainty. 

This season, I am discovering God in a new way. 

 He made my feet like the feet of a deer and set me secure on the heights.  Psalm 18:33

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. Psalm 40:2 

Who is this God? I have seen Him, I have spoken to Him, and I have read about Him. But now I get to experience Him. And the beginning of this relationship on this side, has given way to the realization that I need Him even more here. Temptations knocks at my door more readily, pride edges its way in day by day, the enemy whispers you don't deserve this. And the action of surrender that became constant in the storm, now desires to grasp hold of and keep, rather than let go and let God. Trust and obey, turn my will and my life over, beginning and continuing in the spirt rather than flesh...these are not coming natural in abundance like they did in suffering. It is a fresh perspective on recovery. It is trusting God from a completely different vantage point. 

The Holy Spirit dared me to dream, invited me to risk what I have been given, and opened my heart in ways that I thought to be impossible...to practice surrender and hope and relationship in a completely foreign and invigorating way. 

My weaknesses are being revealed and His strength is showing up. I am not ready, and yet I am. I desire, I dream, I love, and I can trust Him with my heart. I am new. 

Mark 2:22 And no one pours new wine into old wineskins. Otherwise, the wine will burst the skins, and both the wine and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins.”

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here 2 Cor 5:17

The old coping mechanisms and ways of survival are emerging. They are coming out to protect me, rescue me from heartache, and keep safe all the goodness. The former cravings for intimacy, ambition, and security are creeping up to ensure that I keep striving for what I never earned in the first place. I shouldn’t be surprised to find them here in this overflow of God's blessings. The battle is not over. It will be different. I still must be on guard, but not in the old way of anticipating loss. My readiness now comes from a place of rest. It still requires my old friends: awareness, surrender, and dying to self. I got to know them in suffering, but I can choose them in abundance.

Dreaming, Goal Setting, Hoping, Believing is terrifying on this side. The risk, with Christ, is worth it, every time. (I have to tell myself that on repeat.)

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us. Ephesians 3:20

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Cor 12:9

I close my eyes and I can see, The world that’s waiting up for me, That I call my own, Through the dark, through the door, through where no one’s been before, But it feels like home…A million dreams is all it’s gonna take.