The Quest of "Being Still"

Walking around the water, breathing in the cool air, catching the light from behind the pine trees. I have come to realize we keep coming back to this nook in Georgia, because there is something restorative about it. Yes, there can be extreme weather, stifling humidity, and some of the most annoying bugs around. But right now, as I stroll the perimeter, I realize this is my time and my place for rehabilitation. A time to rebuild, regroup, and reestablish me. It's a peaceful acceptance. 

This time has allowed me to come undone in my lonely moments and find routine in my more chaotic moments. And in that space between introspection and the daily to do's of life, I have realized that somewhere along the way I prescribed myself an identity. I have become my reaction to survive the frenzy of unpredictable and chaotic episodes throughout life. Trying to maintain a sense of safety by staying  guarded and vowing to myself to be ready at any moment to thwart confusion and distress. And, in that, I birthed an identity that is not my own and stifled my genuineness.  That gnawing feeling in my chest that begs me to strive for better, to fight for self protection, to crave labels of a "strong woman," breaks open to authenticity. 

I am deep into dissecting verses and their message to me. Allowing a step by step, gentle process to transform me. A new desire to empathize, identify, and gain knowledge from the journey of others, emerges.  The Twelve Steps become more than a decision, but also a way of life. This internal adventure reveals more and more of who I am and who I am not. The same anticipation and giddiness that I would get on a travel day, is now how I wake up feeling about discovering more of what my Savior desires for me and who I am. 

Back in October, wishful dreams were held in my heart. Steps toward realizing a calling for our family began. However, at the very same time God was impressing on me the need for  a healing process. And Psalm 51:10 was the theme for the start. My nerdy word research led to the discovery of "authentic", "real", and "true" as synonyms for pure. These words would echo in my mind as I would try to merge my authentic self with "relentless" spirit. This is a simple verse. It should not stump me. But these two words created a dichotomy that I could not consider pursing at the same time.The exploration for healing began. I started with the book Fully Alive by Susie Larson. I heard her interview on a podcast that I listen to regularly. The plan was a 10 week (10 chapters) healing journey , tie up the loose ends, and our family would continue on to the next destination. I could say I was not prepared for the unraveling of plans that took place just four weeks later. But I am always exhaustively, mentally preparing for a bomb to drop.  I can also look back at past moments and see the footprints walking alongside reminding me I would not be alone. 

This strenuous yet familiar trek is far from over, but as I have followed the arrows of struggle and healing, I am exactly where I am meant to be, the place I was being prepared for. I have invested my time in several bible studies, and more books (It's Not Supposed to Be This Way, It's Okay to Not Be Okay, and continuing Fully Alive, Jeremiah, Ezekiel, Hebrews, and Proverbs) , and a 12 step program.  And, I am just recently fully embracing James 1:2-4. 

It should not take outside forces and extreme events for me to come to this conclusion. But God knows how to get my attention. He needed me to come to terms with the unmanageability of life and the powerlessness that I needed to admit. I did not believe that there was anything new that could be unearthed, but this concession changed everything. This particular road had to be revisited to take me here. 
And now, rather than sinking into self-pity, or resigning to regret for my family, I embrace the restorative process designed for me. My compassion is now for those that skip over or ignore these big eye-opening moments. The moments that deserve a pause to self reflect and self examine, permission to grieve losses now and in the past, and respond in a 180 degree overhaul of how life is done. 
The more I do life with others, and examine their experiences. The more I awaken to God scooping up, wrapping up, and encompassing the heartbroken.  This awakening is dormant  when life is happening on my terms and in my comfort zone. God prepares those suffering (outwardly, inwardly, or both) for something else more far reaching than themselves. There is an ultra awareness that takes place, not only self awareness and personal inventory, but awareness of all that has been missed in others and the forgotten gratitude. So my sorrow, now, is not for those that are in the refining fire. It is for those that are not. Those that believe that survival is the best way to live, and just try to make life as comfortable and easy as possible. As Lysa Terkeurst puts it, [Because of times like these] "You are anchored to the hope of God that so few ever truly find." (p104 It's Not Supposed to Be this Way)

It is that same spirit that fueled my travel desires, to experience life differently, and to provide perspective for my children, that inspires me to seek a personal, introspective journey now. What a waste if I were to just move from setting to setting and react the same way that I always have to fear, discomfort, and disappointments.  Travel has changed my mind about others, and disproved myths or stereotypes about a  particular area or culture when experiencing it firsthand. It only makes sense that my mind and spirit could be awakened by traveling within. Perhaps there are some beliefs about myself that could be disproven.

My central theme for Living Out of Bounds began with a verse 

Romans 7:6 But now, by dying to what once bound us, we have been released from the law so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit, and not in the old way of the written code.

I was hoping words would be penned inspiring others to do something uncommon. To break out of the status quo, "the law of the land", freeing themselves from the bindings of life. Perhaps trying something new, exciting, or discovering a Spirit led life. It was never to say you should sell everything and move into a RV. It was the idea of a personal journey towards discovery. If I had directed God in our adventure, I would have requested that this process take place before we hit the road (and in many ways I thought it already had.) But I trust (ie release my will and my trying)  His timing  and all the people, all the places, and all the experiences were leading to this climatic moment where God used it all for the more impactful journey...one that matters more to the legacy of this family.