Test My Anxious Thoughts
Overwhelming anxiety and guilt have plagued me in the last few weeks. Anxiety and guilt are ridiculously ambiguous nouns. They explain nothing of the experience. Waking up in sweats consumed with impending doom, spiraling thoughts, and feeling hunted by something unseen. I can’t concentrate on any given task, I can’t comprehend more than two-three sentences after reading and rereading, I crave distraction, and pockets of thinking time that I usually desire are excruciating. Worst of all, I can hear nothing in the dialogue that I attempt with God. Silence filled with my own imagination running wild and dangerous.
Neck-deep in pain, grief…fighting… although nothing is happening. The trauma has been long over. But in this moment, truth is not overcoming the why’s. The unidentifiable event or phrase that propelled me backwards, takes over instead.
I have heard these emotional alarm bells referred to as a…
” temperature check, litmus test, or check engine light.”
Regardless of what you call it…the soul, my soul needs attention. The enemy desires to keep me striving, and distract myself into oblivion. If he can’t have my soul, he will be satisfied with tormenting my soul to the point of unbelief.
“Didn’t Jesus do this to you, Didn’t he cause this trauma? this heartache? The course of events that changed everything?
Then whispers… “Did he harm you or save your life, give you life, make this life ripe for fruitfulness?”
“Still, from where we sit, even on this side of the Cross, where death gives way to life, sometimes what God has done for us can feel, instead, like something He has done to us.”
― Beth Moore, Chasing Vines: Finding Your Way to an Immensely Fruitful Life
I succumb to distraction. I recognize anxiety bleeding into all the areas of my life. In an effort that feels like trying to maneuver through quicksand, I choose to pray, and pray some more, journal, and read the Bible, and listen to truth. I remember what God has done before. I remember how he has met me here over and over.
Diagnosing the Blinking Light
Before these anxious replays, I had started praying about my identity in Christ. In the last year, I felt my identity had been obliterated. I could no longer feel significance and worth in accomplishment. In a lesson on Sunday, I asked myself… “in my entire life, has Christ accomplished anything through me?” My initial thought being…nope, nada, nothing.
Then after days of silence... I heard “these symptoms, they are not who you are, they are revealing something, are you ready to go deeper?”
No, I am not. I am afraid of touching this area, and especially allowing you, Jesus, to touch this area, then that tells me there is still healing to be done, and I know what healing entails. The pain could engulf me. I may not recover. I have to be strong. I have to be brave. I have four daughters to raise, and they need to see an overcomer. Julie, are you white-knuckling through life again?
You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you. 2 Chronicles 20:17
Supplanting
I am currently reading a book educating me on the painful fruit bearing process of grapes, and “supplanting” was a word that was causing me great discomfort.
I had to look it up to make sure I understood what was being asked of me.
Supplanting is replacing or filling of a space once occupied by something lost, destroyed, or no longer usable or adequate.
This needs to be a season of excavating from my most recent trauma, in order to replace my triggers and anxiety with an all powerful God and the truth about what He says about the trauma and about me.
Maybe, I am up for that? My Savior has met me here before.
Invited to a Healing Process
Backtrack two years ago, I began a book Fully Alive, naively volunteering for a spiritual healing process.
I thought our family was being called to the mission field, and God wanted to use this book to provide healing for past wounds to help prepare me for the journey ahead.
Ouch! That is still painful to admit almost two years later. The arrogance, the audacity, and the pure blindedness and ignorance of my reality knots my stomach.
Just a few short months later, everything unraveled. Our family was broken apart by an addiction and the mountain of anger and lies that follows it. The "monster under the bed" that I wanted to believe did not still exist.
Susie’s story in Fully Alive, the verses and biblical promises that she clung to, and the gut punch questions stirred a desire and realization that clinging to Jesus was the only way. I was persuaded to long for a miracle, but to also realize the miracle of redemption and relationship is still a miracle. God did prepare me for a journey, but not on the mission field. I could not anticipate it, and I would have declined, had he asked me.
Susie starts with:
“In the Gospel of John, Jesus asked a man who’d been sick a long time, “Do you want to be well?”
“We live in a culture that is addicted to treating symptoms. We want just enough help to get us on our way so we can continue to live a life of just enough, good enough, well enough. But at what cost to our souls, our story, and our calling-not to mention the very quality of our lives?”
And, once again, now, God is gently reminding me now, “these symptoms, they are not who you are, they are revealing something, are you ready to go deeper?”
Fear
We are all plagued by fears from time to time. Here are a few that have been brought up in discussions:
Fear of the end times
Fear of covid
Fear of cancer
Fear of a financial crisis
Fear of children being harmed or dying
Fear of losing family to outside forces such as natural disaster or bad people in the world
Fear that a spouse will cheat
Fear of a loss of security
Fear of terrorism
Fear of public speaking
Fear of snakes
I fear that I will be abandoned and betrayed by those closest to me (those that I believe to be protectors)…bamboozled by the uncovering that what I believed to be true, my faith in another person, is in reality completely false. I have often underreacted to outside threats, because in my experience harm has usually come from someone on the inside, someone “known.”
The death of a child, chronic illness, the loss of security in many different forms…are far worse. I am just underscoring that the thing that keeps me up a night. The thing that people say “most of what you worry about will never come true.” The thing I strive to avoid, the thing in my nightmares, and the thing I try to protect myself from…has occurred multiple times.
And in November 2018…the same thing that I was trying to stay one step ahead of, outrun, overcome…arrived. I had worked diligently to preserve our family’s reputation as overcomers. I wanted our story of hitting rock bottom, and Jesus saving us from the pit of hell to be the testimony that saved others. I wanted what I was being told to be true. I could control addiction. I could say the right words. I could follow the advised steps. I could pray enough to persuade Jesus to make it stop.
Think of a person fearing a disease, obsessing over healthy eating or a strict regimen. Then, after doing everything possible to prevent something, experiencing the shock of that very thing showing up on a random test result.
And in my acknowledgement that self-preservation, white-knuckling, relying on my own strength was not working (sensing a pattern here), I have remembered a book I purchased for an anticipated journey.
This book is not a magic pill. It does nothing more than facilitate the conversation. Ask the hard questions. Gets personal. Digs.
And the procedure and the process is painful. Yet, over and over pointing back to the Healer and the healing.
I listen to stories all the time. I enjoy using an app to read Bible stories. I also enjoy podcasts of women’s stories from today.
In a recent podcast Jamie Ivey affirms, “I want to tell parts of my story, but I want them to leave knowing more about God’s love for me than the details of the story. That you would know some things about me, but way more about God.”
For me, my most favorite thing ever is to listen to your experiences, and see the intersection of the saving grace and love of Jesus Christ. The truth of the Bible revealing itself through your encounters with Jesus. I hope I can convey that as well in my sharing. I could sit around a table all day in this kind of dialogue.
References:
https://dontmomalone.com/tag/susie-larson/
https://www.susielarson.com/fully-alive
https://gwensmith.net/graceologie/14/
A Post-Script Example of Healing
One year ago (this week), Jesus asking me to bring my resentments to him. I had 15-20 minutes before I had something scheduled. And he asked for my resentments. I literally told him I did not have time for that. But I then obeyed.
And he met me there, healed me there, and allowed beauty to surface out of horrible
memories that I willingly handed over to him. 15 minutes----after years of being in a prison of
fighting to keep them hidden and below the surface.
BUT just 12 hours later, I felt sucker punched. God had so lovingly, so wholly, and so fully released me from periodic, tormenting thoughts from the past, and set me on my feet just to
pull the rug out from under me. To make me a fool. I questioned him, Is your protection also
false?
Again (and again and again), “His ways are not my ways, and all things do come together for the good of those that love Jesus. (Is 55:8, Rom 8:28) I also realized I am not the only one pleading for restoration.
After a good, long temper tantrum of anger and bitterness (two weeks.) He revealed the mercy of his timing. He needed to demonstrate to me his ability to heal, because He knew what was ahead of me.
He is faithful. I can trust him. It is easier now. Although, I still do not desire the healing process. I do know what is on the other side. It will be worth the cost.
